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the way im wired

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[09 Sep 2014|11:18pm]
i feel like i'm drowning and if i reach out to somebody for help I will just end up pulling them down with
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you got me where you want me i wanna get away i need to get away [28 Feb 2010|05:54pm]
yeah im here is some awesome music that you maybe forgot and some new shit...

I hear you on the radio
You permeate my screen, its' unkind but
If I met you in a scissor fight
I'd cut off both your wings on principle alone
On principle alone
Incubus- Megalomaniac

Long time did I run down like that
I would have three years ago-today but not now
It's not like that
It's all right to feel good
It's all for nothing to be wrong
The deepest dream that we have
Could be tomorrow's song
Just what did he say stop
1 and 2 and 3
Run up the hill do as you do
I'm going to chill you know you really
Ought to do the same
311- 1,2,3 <3

and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
The Used- Blue and Yellow

On to the Next one - Jay-z
Say Somethin- Drake
Get Em' High- Kanye West
Closer- Kings Of Leon

amazing new band The Heavy...they are fucking amazing...they are like bluesy old jazzy rock its pretty dope....the only song i can get on frost wire by them is how you like me now which is fucking that shit lol....
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[21 Feb 2010|05:49pm]

I've taken this quiz various times in my life and it always is dead on...its so accurate its scary....

Your Existing Situation

"Searching for a close bond with others which are accepting and kind. Needs a safe, peaceful atmosphere."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as herself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics


Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended, which leaves her feeling isolated."

"Feels she is carry more than her share of problems. she is flexible and laid back, sticking to her goals and working to overcome any difficulty."



Your Desired Objective

Lives life to the fullest. Has a high energy level and is always on the go. she is very active and her actions often lead to success.

Your Actual Problem

"Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes."

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I got a million ways to get it ...choose wisely...on to the next one [21 Feb 2010|12:56pm]
[ mood | weird ]

fucking love jay-z well most of his stuff. lol

Do i think way too much into things? Or is everything just a huge coinscidence? I don't much shit needs to be the same for it to just be too much the same? lol does that make any sence?

Work has been getting a little better since my schedule has put me kind of in the same rooms. Its hard though. I'm in a room with 19-20 4 1/2 year olds for an hour by myself trying to get them to slepp...yeah its pretty taxing. But I like the people up there better than the girls downstairs. they are just nicer i guess idk.

Ben's bday was last week. I took him to Dolce at 3rd and sucked ass which blew because it was really expensive. I got so fucking sick from dinner. yeah it sucked. Ben liked it so i guess thats all that matters. I <3 my Benny ...last night we went out with everyone for ben's bday we went to kitchen bar so we could bother Ciara and Mike. It was funny as fuck there was a guy who made balloon thigs and he made ben a "birthday hat" which was a huge monkey reaching for a bananna / missile omfg it was hilarious. Met john's gf who said maybe 2 words to me...idk I thought like I tried to be nice and sort of talk to her but whatever....girls never seem to like me for some reason idk...never really got along with them after like sophmore year of high school...idk why its weird. It bothers me because all my friends are guys and i have no girl friends at all. and it makes me feel like im missing out on a huge part of my life because of that. Ugh stupid brain making life hard for me lol.

Ok so
Ben doesn't physically touch Ciara or Devyn
Mike doesn't physically touch me or Devyn
so why does john physically touch me? it sounds wrong but not like play fighting i guess idk what the fuck it is

GOD I FUCKING LOVE NICK HEXUM lol off track i know...listening to tune in i love the one part of that song...

but front of his girl friend too...if ben did that i would cut off his balls lol...and ben would never ever do that any way because he has enough respect for me....idk i just found it so weird that john treated me the same way even though his gf was standing right there...idk the whole thing was just very very very strange.....

oh yeah when he wasn't ignoring me or causing me physical pain he was calling me a fucking was really mean and uncalled for...



Haze is really smelly and she needs a bath

and i need to stop thinking about shit....what is wrong with me?

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all your mental armour drags me down...nothing hurt like your mouth.. mouth...mouth [24 Jan 2010|01:46pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

havent written in this journal forever so much has happened i dont even know where to start. well ill start with my job i guess...

New horizons closed in suprise there. I was really upset i miss my kids so much especially Ian and Joey and even Parker lol. I loved all my kids so much there and i loved my co workers and even my boss. I fit there. I got a new job October 1st at Ardsley Day Care in abington and its a huge day care probably atleast double the size of NHA. I hate it. Atleast one of my kids from NH is there Marissa which is funny because she is the first kid i remember seeing at NH....i remember seeing her in the baby room licking the door...haha....she remembered me which made me really happy and her sister does to even though i wasnt in her class alot so that always makes me feel a little better when im having a bad day there which is pretty much every day. Its just so big and chaotic and they put me in what ever room they need me in which i hate because i cant bond with the kids, parents, or teachers. so no one really knows me and ive been there for 4 months and i still feel like a stranger. Im in age groups from 3 months to 6th grade....thats nuts. I know most of the kids names but i mean its hard...there are probably close to 300 kids there....and its hard because they dont listen to me since they are like "who are you you're not my teacher i dont have to listen to you" its really fustrating....most days i feel like quitting. The reason i dont is because they train me and its a really good oppertunity for me professionally because i learn alot of things. and they give me the hours i want. so im sticking with it for now....

my final semester at monco started on wednesday! finally! long time coming right? i feel like i have been going there forever...I barely scraped by in bio 2 last semester with a D i got lucky because i really did fail that class but i think my teacher felt bad for me because i was sick for atleast 3/4 of the classes...but anyway i hope this semester will be good. Im taking personality, teaching with technology, american history to 1877, and contemporary yeah...should be interesting...

saw 311 in atlantic city in november...they were fucking awesome...the set list was really good...they played some new stuff but just the good songs like india ink and jackpot of course since we saw them at the Borgata. ugh im in fucking love with nick hexum...he is just fucking amazing....they have to be one of the best bands to see live they are just here is the set and ben got our first hotel room :) and stayed over night in AC oooooh lol....311 is getting lazy though playing the same set list every show....boooring...
1. Sick Tight
2. Jackolantern's Weather
3. All Mixed Up
4. Wake Your Mind Up
5. Off Beat Bare Ass
6. From Chaos
7. Plain
8. Freak Out
9. Down
10. Applied Science
11. India Ink
12. Prisoner
13. Daisy Cutter
14. Visit
(Bass Solo)
15. Beautiful Disaster
16. Amber
17. Jackpot
18. Creatures (For a While)
19. Nutsymtom**
20. Omaha Stylee
21. Unity
22. Do You Right / Don't Stay Home / Hive - Mash-Up

23. Feels So Good

*- On stage setlist, but not played
**- Not on stage setlist, but played due to crowd request

the mash up that they do is always fucking sick...and opening with sick tight was pretty awesome....yeah cant wait for the summer tour....excited as fuck...

Ben and I have been good. Nothing really to say....went through a weird mess with john....kinda really happened a really long time ago but yeah . When i went to fl john kinda told ben to break up with me and ben did but for like 4 hours and then he realized that he was fucking stupid and we got back together. John always has flirted with me but it was always innocent. That morning after me and ben broke up i spent an hour and a half on the phone with john crying...john called me...and we talked alot....i dont even remember i just remember crying and feeling stupid and really weird for crying on the phone with him. But he felt really bad. The week after me ben and john went to a party at Emily's house and we picked up john and he was drunk...but not that drunk...if you can walk and talk and form cohearent sentences you can still make somewhat clear judgement calls....and you still know even when your fucking piss ass drunk that kissing your best friend's girl friend is wrong....yeah so we get out of the car and john just started apoligizing to me and he picked me up and my boobs ended up in his face somehow maye because i was completly caught off caught off gaurd and he started to kiss my chest...i was like wtf are you doing?! and he threw me over his shoulder and carried me down the block...weird right....for the rest of the party he would pull me aside every 10 minutes and tell me how sorry he was and how he didnt mean to break us up and that i was a really cool girl and blah blah blah and he would keep hugging me and he hugged me really hard one time and stated kissing me on my was really fucking awkward...and ben didnt even say anything....which was weird. Then idk but we were all talking about kissing and ben was like oh i kiss like this or something and the john was like oh i havent kissed a girl in a while or something like that and then i swear to god he tried to kiss me and if i didnt move out of the way he would have kissed me front of Emily who is one of johns best friends pulls him upstairs and she was like "WTF why are you doing that to debbi?"  it was just really weird....just the whole time i have known john there has been alot of physical contact that shouldnt have happened....not that i have really minded....which is a problem all on its an attention whore...i know that...but now john has a girl friend who happens to horseback ride and her name is Devan or whatever so Paige was like "um thats a huge coincidence....does he call her devvy?" haha....right? its just a little weird....

idk ive been feeling better probably because im on a shit load of meds...i got rid of my headaches for the most part. I started seeing a doctor at Jefferson Dr.Styles....hes reallly he put me on topamax and said i have migranes and guess works....for the most par i still get a break through headache about once a week but thats better than many times a week or every day which is what it used to be....

I want my life to slow down so much and to speed up so much
i want to go visit other countries and go to parties and have fun and go out and be stupid and shit and be young and reckless
and i want to get married and i want to have a family and i want to have kids...
i never thought i would ever say that....

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<3 [01 Jul 2009|09:27pm]
311 was fucking amazing last night. Im so sad i have to wait another fucking year to see them...hopefully i will be able to see them before that...even though they played their new shit they were still amazing....however here is my dream set list

1. From Chaos
2. Homebrew
3. What was I thinking ( which they played :-) )
4. Applied Science....duh
5. Unity
6. Freeze Time
8. Hive ( they played it :) )
9. You wouldn't believe
10. 8:16
11. Stealing Happy Hour
12. Use Of Time
13. Champange
14. Eons
15. Sometimes Jacks Rule the Realm
16. Fuck the Bullshit
17. Flowing
18. Large in the Margin
19. Beyond the Gray Sky
20. Feel so Good

i only picked 20 but of course i would love to hear everything else....uuuuughhhh <3 <3 love love love 311...obsessed....
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i want you now i want you now...i feel my heart implode [22 Jun 2009|11:53am]
been really lazy/busy so i havent written in a long time...lots of stuff has gone on though

uh my parents visited a few weeks ago it went ok mom was annoying but she only stayed for 6 days. we went to dr.gaito and she was shocked about how bad my jaw was so she ordered xrays which i got that hurt because they decided to put me in the most awkward positions possible. My dad got pissed because i didn't want him to take pictures of hazel at the boston terrier meet up but he got over it. we painted my apartment but im not really happy with the color of my room but of well. Im going down to fl in 2 weeks exactly. so yay for a vacation...sort of

hazel's boston meetup was awesome there were like 15 other bostons there and she had a blast and actually played with all of them especially Molly who she met at valley green and her owner was the one who actually told me about the meet up so it was nice to see hazel remeber molly.

work has been hard because i hate pre school and pre k and im not in toddlers that much anymore which is the room i like the best. We have been loosing a ton of kids. I think our enrollment went down by 1/2 atleast. I wouldn't want to send my kid there either lol.

uh ...i forget when but went out to dinner with rob and it was really nice. we went to bonefish grill which was really good and it was nice to go out and eat good food and relax. so that was fun.

saw the hangover which was the fucking funniest movie ever...loved it...want to go see it again. saw year one too which sucked...

uh Mike's 21st was last weekend. didn't go over to johns on friday because i wasn't "invited" which really pissed me off and made me reallllly upset. whatever...i dont care enough to care. I just wanted mike to have a good birthday.

we all went out to hooters saturday night which was funny. John drove me and ben there and we went through Rapeville haha...kinda had to be there. Hooters was funny...we had lots of beer and fried food which was pretty fucking nasty lol. The girls looked like whores but i guess thats what they are supposed to look like haha. Mike ended up smacking one of the girls in the face accident lol. and then elliot drove us home...which was funny as hell... WISS AVE?! THATS NOT EVEN A REAL NAME!!! haha...

saturday night ben and i went to johns for a party which i was a little nervous about since i cant really drink alot and i only met johns friends once before and yeah....his friend jp was pretty cool and we talked a little bit  and then we played beer baseball lol...i was on barry and the hairy guy's team haha. we killed it the first game i had no idea i was so good at playing beer pong which was really what we were playing just added stuff to the game lol...the game went on wayyyyy to fucking long though....we all drank...ben and john drank too much....john spent more time on the floor then on his feet but oh well...ben was a after that we played rockband and crashed on the couch...thats when elliot decided he wanted to not stop talking for the next 4 hours....which was fucking funny as fuck because its elliot and hes just funny alll the time...especially since he was really drunk...we left at  5 in the morning and i was soooooooooo was nice because i didnt get sick and i drank like 4 beers on an empty stomach...not a good idea to do that though...and it was good because i atually was not horribly shy...i was still shy just not as bad as times previous to that....

been exersising more...lost 10 lbs :-) but i dont really feel trying though...i just wish it would happen faster...another reason i can't wait for i can focus on working out everyday at their nice airconditioned 24 hour gym...or i could just walk around in the balmy 80 degree weather on flat ground excited for the time off

i hate takes the life out of me....

i wish i could know what other people are thinking and or think about me....i find it really hard to read one person in paticular. who i think doesn't act appropriate twords me sometimes. he does it to me alot...and does it to other girls...but not nearly as much....idk...proably again thinking way to much into it probably.
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everybody down, everybody down, i'm comin' around comin' around [19 May 2009|10:30pm]
[ mood | dizzy ]

haven't written in a while..idk...just never get around to it i guess. Yesterday and today i went down to Penn to get my two shots of thyrogin in my back...lots of fucking fun let me tell you...the first day i had to go get blood taken...7 huge tubes of blood which took atleast 5 minutes to get...then i went over to endocrinology and got a needle in my lower back that hurt like a mother fucker....and i got the same needle today just in the other side of my back so now insted of just one side hurting both sides hurt. Not to mention i got the side effects from the shots that only 2% of people get...heacaches...fucking figures was nice to take the train...i find it really relaxing.

been eating alot less and going to the gym and doing pilates alot more...and i lost 3 pounds...which i guess is good but i just wish it would come off faster....

i'm in this really weird place with one of my friends now...and it feels really weird to me...idk i guess because its a new thing, but then again it isn't since i've known him for a long time ...but it feels weird....its almost not a friendship because it always feels like there is something more just fucking weird...maybe its just on my end and i read wayyyyyy to much into things....but then again maybe i don't...but i probably will never find out...

went out with rob last week and it was alot of fun we went bowling and i kicked his ass in one game atleast lol thn we went out to dinner which was nice too.

Ben should be getting a raise at work which is good :-) and i should get a raise at the end of june :-)

3 fucking 11 june 30th !!!!! so fucking excited...i still have to buy citizen cope tickets though...

i passed bio and im so happy. i got a c i would have even been happy with a d but i guess i did really well on the final. i got ann 82 in my history final which took me a whole 8 minutes to im just that awesome....

i just dont want to feel like im wasteing my life away doing really fucking bothers me...

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I just don't know anymore [12 Apr 2009|12:29pm]
You know it ain't easy

For these thoughts here to leave me

There's no words to describe it

In French or in english

Well, diamonds they fade

And flowers they bloom

And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away

They've been knockin' me sideways

They've been knockin' me out lately

Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away

They've been knockin' me sideways

I keep thinking in a moment that

Time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away
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this is what happens when bad meets evil [29 Mar 2009|03:26pm]
im excited for eminem's new shit i just hope its like his older stuff. t really reminds me of a dark part in my life where his music was a really huge comfort for me and it still is....

alot of shit hs happened...

its been a really bad few weeks...

im very sick...and i have been sick for i guess the past 3 months but it just got really bad...i missed work twice this week which makes me worried about my job im afraid they will fire me because dumb people can't fucking check the voice mail in the morning...ugh its really fucked up...

and then i missed bio twice this week. . and i missed a lab and the lecture and whatever i dont even fucking care at all i was so sick this week....we have a test on wed and i will probably fail it because i have no idea what its on....

i hurt my self again for the first time in a really long long time...pretty bad knee is really fucked up and it hurts to walk...nice right...

im on and off anti depresents and they make me gain weight and then that make me even more depressed so i just went off of them...whatever i dont fucking care....

got in a huge fight with a really good friend for no fucking reason what so just fucked up...i push people away for no reason and you should know that by now...but thats still no excuse for what i do...i said sorry but i feel like alot of shit that was said needed to get said and still needs to get talked about because we have a lot of fucking issues we need to work out and we need to stop avoiding them and talk about them...i feel like this is the beginning of the end....which makes me sad...

my dad flew up on thursday night because my brother had some things he needed help with....

i hate that my parents are so fucking ashamed of my family's problems....every family has problem and it helps when other people know about it and don't just fucking lie about it that adds so much fucking shame and guilt to the person who is having the problem i hate that my parents to that....every time someone has a problem that could potentially be negitive they say that we have a different problem ...god forbid someone should have a problem that might look bad....fuck you guys....seriously ...i dont know how anyone else feels bt when they lie about what is wrong with me i feel ashamed and guilty like im fucking stupid and something is wrong with me and i just wish they could have the courage to tell people whats really wrong...i mean they dont have to tell everyone i just wish they wouldnt fucking lie about it to everyone and make up bullshit excuses of why they need to fly up here....

i lost about 4 days because i was so sick this weekend i couldnt get out of bed i was so dizzy...i wish i wasn't sick...
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[21 Mar 2009|11:02pm]
that old familiar burn...oh how i missed you....
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and now for a lesson in rythem management.... [15 Mar 2009|02:49pm]
311! three fucking eleven! at festival pier! on june 30th! OMFG>>>>>>!!!!! lol im so effin excited....and im going to their nj show too...which is 3 days before the philly one... I AM GOING TO 2 SHOWS ....i dont care how much it costs...i've been looking forward to this since the end of their show last and they are with ziggy marley which is fucking awesome sooooo would be cool if i culd somehow see their Fl shows too but i have school so idk...they are playing 3 fl would be cool to see one or two....or even three would be awesome! lol.....i got hazel a 311 dog shirt, leash, and id tag on 311 day they offered a special dog pup....

hazel went to the dog park for the first time yesterday she did great even though she was a little scared and wanted to be with maya all the time lol...she got hurt though her paw was bleeding and now shes gimpy...if it still bothers her tomorrow i will take her to the vet but hopefully it will get better....

here are some lyrics that kinda describe what i feel sometimes...

I'm gonna make you bend and break
Say your prayers, but let the good times roll
In case god doesnt show
And i want these words to make things right
But its the wrong that makes these words come to life
Who does he think he is if thats the worst you got you better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though
They werent so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

And looking forward to the future
But my eye sight is going bad
And these crystal balls
Its always cloudy except for except for
When you look through the past look into the past
One night stand

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though
They werent so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night yeah one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

They say I only think in the form of
Crunching numbers in hotel rooms
Collecting paychecks lovers
Get me outta my mind
Gets you out of those clothes
I learned my way of getting you
Into the mood

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories even though
They werent so great
He tastes like you only sweeter

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See he tastes like you only sweeter

gotta love me some Fall out Boy guilty pleasure ben broke his drums playign fob's song on rockband and i broke the guitar playing the same song...haha gotta love fob....

anyway here are 10 songs im into right now cuz im bored

1. Team Sleep - Natalie Portman... is just fucking should be in a makes me feel like im in one...and the vocals sound like the deftones a a good way
2. Modest mouse- gravity rides everything....amazing song...
3. Fall out Boy- Thanks for the
4. U2- i will follow
5. Deftones- Combat....fucking amazing...
6. Lil Wayne- i'm lil wayne
7. Citizen Cope - Salvation...was amazing acoustic at his concert....
8. 311- what was i now you know im obsessed...
9.All american Rejects- gives you hell....good lyrics
10. SNL- jizzed in my pants...hahahaha fucking funny....
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[10 Mar 2009|09:18pm]
i dont know i haven't felt like myself lately

school blows

ugh hazel's spay went well shes 100% better

my job has been really hard letely i have been teaching bymyself and its really hard....5 toddlers doesn't sound like a lot but you try keeping them under control when they don't fucking listen and yeah....its been really hard and they don't pay me enough

had a sleep over friday night and it was fun....

uuuuuggghh idk im too lazy and tired to write anything else...peace bitch...
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ain't no body fuckin with me man...bitch i'm me...i'm i'm me who you? you're not me [17 Feb 2009|09:29pm]
so my dad's trip up here was to eat out dinner every night and he got to see hazel which he was really happy about...

had my doctors so happy i don;t have to go through another radiation and even more happy i dont have to go on that fucking diet...but i still have to go in for two shots and a bunch of blood tests...

i gained a lot of weight...around 30 lbs since my surgery which sucks...and eating out dinner every night certinly didn't help at all....

but i have been sick and i cant go to the gym to work out because i can't breathe

school sucks i cant make my self fucking care about montco...and i cant bring myself to study or much less do any work for my online classes

work is good except for me getting sick all the time...parker is obsessed with me for some reason lol but yeah

ben turned 21 on the 14th it was nice he got me chocolated and a plant for valentines day but i told him to not get me anything since it was his was nice we all went to dave and busters for his birthday....but i left early with my dad because i felt like i was holding ben back from having fun with his friendsand i wanted him to have fun because it was his birthday so i left....whatever...i always feel left out when ever hes with his friends...idk

i feel like his friends don't like me at all...mike is a fucking dick yet i still want him to like me and yeah....i just feel like he gives me more crap then he would give just a regular person and i know he thinks im a fucking bitch but seems like he chooses to ignore that we ever really did have a friendship because at one point in time we were friends ...pretty good friends...but he fucked hat up royally...not like he cares but whatever

john i think is just nice to me because hes a nice person and wants to be polite...i think he thinks im annoying and bitchy too..but like mike i want him to like me because they are ben's friends...and yeah

i was pretty upset i wasn't invited to ben's "pre 21 party" ben told me it was just guys night but suzi and anna came which made me upset because ben told me not to come and even after they came he told me not to come...and they had a lot of fun which i missed out on and it makes me feel even more left out then ever

i guess i feel like no one wants me around ever...i guess thats a reoccouring theme in my life

i feel so fucking unwanted by everyone....even when im with the person and they are being nice to me

i can't be convinced that im wanted

and i guess thats why i have no friends

because i push you away before you can push me away

fuck my life...

which is a funny website by the way

but anyway

i had fun friday night regardless...the wine was amazing and so was the company lol...
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[01 Feb 2009|04:48pm]
Im sick again ugh....hazel is pretty sick too...she woke us up this morning and cuddled in my bed then threw up allll over my bed twice ew it was fucking gross....

m bored so here is some shit im listening to....

1. 311- sometimes jack's rule the realm.... amazing song....
2. Phish- heavy things...
3. 311- stealing happy hour
4.  Thursday- 5,4,3,2,1
5.Saves the day- at your funeral...i heard it last night when me ben and suzie went to sonic i forgot how much i like that song lol
6.  Lil wayne- prom queen
7. third eye blind- how's it gonna be <3 that song lol
8.  Mims - move if you wanna
9. akon- im so much as i fucking hte akon...i kinda like this song
10. Desmond Dekker- Israelites
11. Kings of Leon- use somebody

ugh i wish i wasnt sick all the fucking daddy is coming up on tuesday. i feel like shit though hopefully i will start to feel better before he gets here....i hope hazey baby feels better too....poor monkey :-(
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if you hurt her again i'll fuck you up...fuck you up....if you hurt her again i'll fuck you up... [25 Jan 2009|05:03pm]
ugh i haven't written in a while i guess i think everythig in my life is pretty boring and not worth talking about but whatever....i guess this is my first entry for 2009 so i reeeeallly havent written in a while....i guess i'll start with what i can remember....

new years eve ben and i went out to eat at outback which was nice even thought we had to wait forever but after that we went back to bens for an hour so anna wouldn't be alone with her "friend" johnny aka Bubba aka Bubba burger haha don't ask....i almost called him bubba when i met him too...but after that we went over to John's place and he was having a party i didn't know any one there except for ben and john so it was pretty beat.....eapecially when they played kings and since i can't drink much i sat it out....and it lasted after john stoped playing with my hair lol we left....and i had to drive home because ben was too drunk...

then i flew down to Fl....i hate flying and my flight was delayed an hour...but yeah...the first day was nice we went out to eat lunch and then we did other stuff i forget...but it fucking sucked because i got sick on the plane and i was sick the entire vacation which sucked majorly then on sunday my dad tore his hamstring. so we couldn't do anything that involved walking which blew like no other....i went riding twice...i rode Moe and he was such a goodboy i love riding him hes a lot of fun. Then i rode Cowboy western which was amazing...he is such an amazing horse his canter is my brother flew down which sucked majorly....but sunday was the best day because my dad started to feel a little better so we went to sawgrass mills and my dad got me a present....the Coach bag i really wanted and we got a really good deal on it too it was $300 marked down from $500 so yeah....then i flew home....and now i'm back here where its freezing cold :-( started last week and i got so sick ...i get dizzy but i got it so bad thata i felt like i was going to pass out or throw up or was really scary...i barely made it down the stairs and if there wasn't a chair there i probably would have passed out....i went to the doctor and he said he thought i was getting sick....which is bull shit i think but whatever....

im upset because 3 of the 4 classes im taking are online...and i dont really learn too much when i take classes on im taking
General Biology  MW 1:30-4:35
Creative Writting
Mid History
and a Psych class....

yesterday me and ben went to the cheesecae factory which was insane because we waited for 2 fucking hours....but it was ok since i got my yummy bread,tuna,and cheesecake lol

i've been realllllllllllly anti-social lately....i don't want to hang out with any all...i have no desire to even talk to people..and i dont know why im like that and it really bothers me alot because i dont want to be like that at all....

Hazel is doing better...shes keeping her self busy right now so i have a chance to write this....except she has a few accidents here and there but other than that shes been really good....

i started going to the gym again...i realized that losing weight would make me feel happier and better about myself so im trying to loose around 20-30 lbs...yeah right...but im trying...i went to the gym yesterday and today so thats a start i guess right?
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I'm not from Philly but some say im Blunt...... [26 Dec 2008|11:06pm]
who's got the herb?

god i fucking love fucking obsessed seriously...i fucking am in love with them....i could listen to 311 for ever and in love with nick hexum...hes fucking insanely beautiful lol. Their lyrics are fucking insanely poetic in a weird mood....don't mind me

just putting down some awesome lyrics....

from Don't dwell
Everything is a choice
Go ahead raise your voice
Might as well forgive your self
That means more than someone else
Set you free break the shell
To your demons farewell
I tell you don't dwell

from probably my favorite 311 song applied science
There's a place for us they say is somewhere
Not a dream but a place and you will be there
Your slippin' but content because your spirit
And hills are alive with the sound of music
People never seem to get over the wise breath, but all is said and all you do is sigh...

All Mixed Up
You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet onyourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet

Don't stay Home
Life could slip away in absent minded numbness

Be sure that a dreams alive
There only short burst in life
Are you able to be satisfied
Do you expect fun all the time

Freeze Time
I'd like to stay here just like this
it's just a momentary bliss
that's all we can hope for
that's reason to cope for
this life, this life and no more
The moment's running down the mountain
it can be captured from a fountain
sometime all that it can be
absence of agony
pleasure from the lack of pain

Large In the Margin

You think they'll probably find you
well then you're probably right
cause they'll come back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight, yeah
somehow they always will find you
the voices in the night, and every night
keep comin' back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight
There's no way to avoid listening
you'll always end up listening
here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind
here's hoping the voices are benign
it's easier when you hear it
there's no reason to fear it
it's you
it's you

Eons <3 <3 <3
Nobody knows just what
you're battling inside
you can hide
nobody knows just why
most everyone will lie
if they need to

The ones who aggravate you most
and happen to be ever close
seem to be the ones lurching
for the same things that you are searching
the ones who make you feel ill
and you think that nature should have killed
those you curse when you're alone
seem to be so close to home

Not an even field
to be on
feels like standing still
for eons and eons
stare it dead in the eye
what now?
all we can do is try
to shut it down
shut it down
Not an even field
to be on
feels like standing still
for eons and eons
stare it dead in the eye
what now?
all we can do is try
to shut it down

and From Chaos
From Chaos comes Clarity....

Im excited eminem is coming out with a new album though soon....hopefully it isnt the pussy shit he put out on his last album....i love angry old eminem....fucking awesome shit.....

god i want to smoke pot realllly badly....
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I'll stir fry you in my wok [07 Dec 2008|07:46pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

ugh so i have so much fucking work to do but im lazy and not motivated so i can't bring myself to make flash cards for my french class so i'll maybe pass the final lol...ugh long as i pass the final i will pass the class....hopefully lol...speech i just have to do the final and the group project which should be group will pull it out lol. In poly sci we just have the take home final and i'm done with that class...I really like my teacher for poly sci hes pretty awesome lol. and then for psych i just need to do the final and im shouldn't be too bad the only class im really worried about is french class...

my trip to Fl was pretty awesome. I wish i was back there now. I didn't have to worry about anything for a whole 5 days lol...pretty awesome. I got into Miami around 9:45 so we got my bags and drove home and then i ate some dinner and passed the fuck out on my comfy bed lol. Then i woke up and me and my mom went out to lunch and to the was fucking perfect weather was amazing was a really nice day. Then i went horseback riding and i had a little lesson on a horse named Moe who was so fucking cute lol i wanted to take him home with me. He was pissed off when the mexicans were tacking him up which i laughed at because he was a typical lesson pony with an attitude lol but he was so great in our lesson. Then when we started to jump he got so happy especially when we got to the one big jump he was like "ooooo big jump! fun!" lol i love riding horses like him. Then Thursday was thanksgiving and that morning i went for a run which was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome lol i actually could run for a while which made me happy i thought i was so out of shape but im not as bad as i thought. Then we had dinner at my parents house. My aunt, oncle, suzi, and danny came over and my mom's aunt and my parents good friends Doris and Jim the cia spys hahaha. It was nice but i got so tired and i layed down right after i finished eating and woke up when everyone left :-( oh well. Friday was awesome lol. I went on a trail ride with Emily and i got to ride Moe again and he got so excited because i dont think he goes on a lot of trail rides. It was really nice and then i went out shopping with my dad and got some clothes for black friday. Then we picked up my mom and did some more shopping and then went over my aunt's condo for dinner....which used to be my grandfather's condo it was weird going in there i never thought i would be there again..and my mom hadn't been there since he died so im sure it was weird for her too. So we had a 2nd thanksgiving dinner which i thought was actually better then the first because my Oncle made his potatos and he made me a Mojito lol. it was nice and danny's gf gretchen was there too...we had fun...i wish we did that more cousins are crazy.....well Danny is...he cracks me up and i like my oncle alot...i just don't get to see them alot....

the next morning i went home...and as soon as i got home it was crazy

we went out for Aviva's 21st. me ben john mike and aviva went to eat at the cheesecake factory and john treated which was really nice of him...i think he secretly has a thing for aviva lol. Then we had a whole ordeal of how we were getting to the club in the city. so about 2 hours later we finally got there. after pre-drinking with Elliot in the back seat hahahaha. Sprite Zero and sprite zero we mean zero sprite! hahaha....funny stufff...i love people like him who are just fucking funny all the time....and are even funnier when they are fucking trashed as shit....which he was...omg he was so gone lol....then we got to the club which was fucking nasty as hell but we danced for a little and we got there really late so we just left when the club closed at 2. then me and ben went home and crashed...i was so tired....

then it was school and lots of work....ugh and actually work work so sad they took my two favorites out of my room im sooooo Joe Joe and my Ian....i cried when Ian left hes my buddy....they can't take him...i was talking with kelly and we were so upset about Ian and Joey....i mean there not gone for good they just moved next door....but im still sad they arn't in my room. lol

this weekend was cool. Friday night i went to a concert which was pretty gay lol but i had a good time...but i know i pissed you off so im sorry...I actually was a little drunk believe it or not but as soon as i got home i fell on my bed and felt like i was going to puke my guts out....yeah my body sucks....then ben came over and we fell asleep...

saturday we slept in and then went to taco bell and the mall and i got a make over sort of lol the lady there was just bored and wanted to put make up on me because i was "really pretty" lol and then we went to ben's and relaxed and then mike came over for a little then ben took me out for dinner. which was good and then we cuddled and watched "theres something about mary' but we didn't get to see then end cause i was so tired...

ugh today was boring and i feel like im getting sick :-(

i can't wait for the 16th then i don't have to worry about school any more....

yeah...I wish i was more fun to be around...

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you better learn to crawl before i walk away [23 Nov 2008|01:12pm]
[ mood | cold ]

blah im leaving tomorrow and im really excited...i hate it when its cold its about 83 in Fl and sunny...and i get to ride horses while im there <3 <3 <3 yayayayayayay lol and i just cant wait to relax for 5 fuckin days...i just don't want to fly...i hate flying...idk its weird i used to not be phased by flying at all and now im scared to death....idk i guess since i've started flying alone i get scared because no one is there to distract me or somethin....whatever im taking a fuck load of ativan so hopefully ill be so drugged up ill just pass out in my seat lol....

this week has been crazy busy. Tuesday was my last day of work for a week and a going to miss my kiddies... I <3 them all even Parker lol....but work has been really bad lately the place is falling apart and they just fired two people and alot of kids are leaving..hopefully they can find a director and change the place back to what it was when it was Jeans...i really like my job alot for once lol

then tuesday night my mom came in and we went out to dinner and i got hit on buying Hazel pet food lol which was fucking gross lol...Wed i had class which was boring but my poly sci teacher gave us a week and a half off which was awesome and our french bitch teacher gave us a project due on wed. an essay and a test on friday WTF seriously..its a french 1 class and were writing essays wtf...shes such a bitch....and then speech i have my group project and im not going to be there when were meeting on monday which sucks but whatever...

last Saturday was awesome lol i drove with ben up to NYC to watch his band On The Attack play at the Knitting Factory they were pretty awesome for their first time lol except for Colin breaking two of his guitar strings in the middle of the 5th song lol...they need a singer cause Dave can't sing and play the drums haha lol...i ran into Aaron lol...didn't really talk to him but i haven't seen him in a while. I got free drinks lol and i got to go "back stage" which was more like a hallway / closet are on facebook... after the show we went to go get pizza and the only place we could find was like 12 blocks away and it was a sushi/pizza/blimpie store lol...but we were so hungry ....then it started to pour so we got soaking wet walking back to the rest of the show. I was pissed off i wanted to see Reazione go on but i was so fucking tired so we left early.

ugh thursday the doctor told me i needed my tosils out yeah...that sucks

then later that night i went out to dinner and has reallllllly good ravioli and the best wine ever was really nice....i had a really good time...

Hazel is passed out on my lap...Willy slept over last night lol he slept next to me...and then he threw up on my rug....i've never seen him do that before....but anyway....i switched Hazels food and she seems to be doing better which is good. I'm going to miss her alot when i leave :-( my baby girl....

when i'm with you it feels like you don't say stuff that you want to say to if you want to say something to me or if something is on your mind fuckin say it to me...I can handle it lol can you?

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you always find a way to keep me right here waiting.... [02 Nov 2008|06:48pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

ugh idk i've been in a real anti-social mood this weekend and i fucking hate it when im like this....i just seclude myself and i dont really want to talk to anyone else or make an effort to socialize idk why im always like this.

been falling behind in school i guess its because i really don't give a shit about it. The only class i know im doing good in is poly sci i got a 90 on my 3rd test :-) i wrote a killer essay on how Gorbachev was the man of the 1980's lol my french teacher is such a bitch she said we were going to have a quiz on friday and she didn't even show up to class. so i missed the phillies parade and i drove all the way up to montco for no reason....ugh.... whatever

i just want it to be thanksgiving to i can have a mini vacation down at my parent's house. Im excited i get to go horseback riding twice when im there im soooooo happy. I miss being near horses its like torture having to drive by all these horse farms on the way to montco everyday....

work has been really good. On tuesday i taught a class all by myself which was really interesting. I was in pre-school and i've never been in that room before their teacher got sick so she left at 11 and left me with 9 kids all by myself until 4. It went well. I knew most of the kids already I really had fun. I was sad i missed the halloween parade i didn't get to see my kids dress up :-( Ian was elmo and joey was a pirate....i would have paid to see that hahaha. I love my kids so much im sad im not in that room at all this week :-( Kelly told me that Joanne was really upset i was in another room so that made me happy that she thought i was a really good TA. I really like my job alot i just wish i would stop getting sick from the kids ....

Hazel threw up on my bed yesterday i was so pissed....eww Shes having digestive issues and i don't know what to do with her...shes so much trouble at times....but i love her

Halloween was fun me and ben went out with mike and anna and we went around a little and ate at Bella's and that was about it. Mike's "costume" was fucking hysterical he wore one of ben's mom's sister's old dresses from the 80's, rain boots, and a bunny mask lol he looked insane. Some kids were like "oh look at the crazy bunny" and mike was like "and its a guy" and the kids started screaming was really funny. I was an angel and ben was....well um i guess the "i just got out of bed" costume. My feet hurt so bad b/c we walked so much and i wasn't wearing shoes that were good to walk in....

ben took me out for dinner last night which was really nice...but then i got in my mood and freaked out and just went home....ugh idk whats wrong with me....

haven't talked to a friend a lot in a while it makes me sad but i guess their just busy with their new job and everything...

my head hurts

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